Things are turning bad. I don't understand why are all of the bad things happening on the same day. Why am I the one getting all the bad seeds?
I'm tired of having to face all these shits. It seemed that it won't work even though I tried hard for not letting the bad things to happen. But then again, I could only blame myself, huh.
Aside from enjoying watching walkthroughs, I also have developed an interest in watching Let's Plays. I love watching Let's Plays for the commentaries and laughs.
Cry of Fear is quickly becoming one of my favourites after knowing it for just a month or two. It is eerie, mind blowing and it is what a horror game should made up of. The monsters and the atmosphere inside the game is horrifying and almost unimaginable, but the story made all of them almost believable; a turning head with a terrifying look and face, a tall creature and another disfigured being with chainsaws in their hands chasing after the protagonist known as Simon, and the weirdest yet most interesting thing I found in the game as I remembered, was the twisted bloody pathways that supposedly had defied gravity laws, taunting the players to their deaths as they are challenged to take every steps of moving forward with a huge amount of precaution so as to not fall into endless depths of darkness. Surrounding the bloody curvy pathways were people being imprisoned behind iron bars and cages, inflicting themselves to a grotesque standard.
I find the fact that the whole game was just merely a figment of the protagonist's imagination hard to believe, as it was just a story written by the protagonist during his recuperation from his sickness. I used to assume that the game was old, but when I actually made some research I was informed that it was a game from 2012. Odd, based on what I have seen and watched in the game as being old, and everything seemed to be operated manually like how they were used to be operated decades ago.
You see, the most probable reason to why I enjoy watching people playing horror games is due to the promisingly unusual experience that even I as a spectator can experience from the game itself. The solitary yet panicky sensation that I thought I could experience, assuming that's how the protagonist will feel when he or she is inside the game is always astoundingly new to me, which enables me to view things in a brand new perspective. Horror games are eye-openers for people who plays them or watches them being played. Moreover, we get the chance to dominate the threshold that has always prevented us from doing things that threatens their existence as thresholds. Having no imagination as a human being, we are learning from the values and concepts in horror games through experiences such as playing and watching them. From that, we are able to extend the limit that we initially and subconsciously set up in our minds so to not imagine further from the limit as they are not "socially acceptable in any way".
To have the opportunity to love someone is truly a gift which I have not experienced yet. Love is manipulating and powerful- it can affect people. Most importantly, it can affect our decisions. I am not an expert in relationships. But I am willing to be in one. I want to truly understand how it feels like to be in one. I want to be able to love somebody before I die. I want to have the opportunity to say "I love you" to that special someone, and to hold him/her so endearingly sweet that he/she feels like as if he/she is the luckiest person in the world. I want to be able to do things together with who I love, and we can actually enjoy doing things together. I want him/her to share his/her worries with me when he/she is sad, telling me how happy he/she was when he/she experienced something good in his/her life. I want to be able to make him/her feel being loved by someone, by me. And all I want, is that he/she is happy to be with me.
Okay. Here's my last thought that I want to share with you before I go to bed: Why were people angry when we happened to have done something wrong? I'm not sure whether I am the first to think like this, it could be a rarely suggested idea, but somehow I think it makes a great deal of sense in this matter. So this is what happens: we all make mistakes, and we live to take actions and be productive. Making mistakes is inevitable throughout our lives. One can not possibly live without making mistakes OR committing oneself into an action or a purpose. In a counter-intuitive but very true & real dilemma/situation that exists in our lives, is that humans tend to overreact towards things. Sure we make mistakes, but has anyone ever asked whether we are doing it on purpose? The most peculiar thing about us humans is that we tend to take these things personally; that is, when people actually made a mistake, big or small, we tend to react towards it even when we are not "required" to react. Reacting towards people's actions seemed like an acceptable and normal thing to do, but were they necessary? To react towards a mistake or action is pointless, troublesome, but it seems to be an action that everyone does without thinking about it thoroughly. When someone was "mean" to us, regardless whether they did it on purpose or not, we can usually listen to people around us saying "just ignore him/her," and sometimes they would add a few more words like "he/she's stupid. He/She didn't know what he/she was doing" or "how can he/she be so cruel to you." Those are some suggestions given to us that made a few things clear: one, is that we humans are all insecure. I've been talking about this for a couple or countless times in this blog because I want to stress on this matter, and because I feel that it was not properly discussed by anyone around me, or even the whole world. Nobody will talk about it, because deep down in everybody's hearts and souls, they are just as helpless as a newborn; terrified and feeling alone. When you think about those words, they have clearly suggested that the person who suggested those thoughts (e.g. "he/she's stupid. He/She didn't know what he/she was doing") was as clueless as you are about the situation. Think about it. Who is he or her to judge the dilemma within the situation? They are not the subject or the person being acted on, so how would they know whether the situation is pleasant or the other way round? All I can say is this:
Trust no one with handling your problems. You are the only person who can deal with your own problems. Be smart in thinking, do not rush things. Even if the situation is bad, you have to understand that people DO NOT do things to make us angry. They would not be that free to create problems when they have other things to worry about. In fact, we are the ones who made ourselves feel the anger.
However, that is not the only theory that can be applied to every situation. So here's this:
Even if people did things on purpose to piss us off, bear in mind that they are just as stressed out as you are currently feeling all the tension and burden of the situation. All you can do is to forgive them because they are humans as well, which means they have feelings, emotions and their own ways to deal with problems, that is by acting on other people in the hopes of making the victims feel the same way they felt. Like I said, this is like transmitting a disease from one person to another.
In these situations, we oftentimes made ourselves aware of the behaviours or reactions of the "onlookers" or "passer-by" and just admit it, we are paranoid and sensitive towards what they have to say or feel towards the situation as we will be judged very cruelly and without pity. This is very true in perhaps every situation happening around the world, around all of us. But aren't you interested in knowing why would the "onlookers" behave in such manners? The only reason I can come up with is that people are actually subconsciously self-absorbed and have less pity on the well-being of others. As humans, we tend to be selfish and only look after ourselves and we always expect things to be carried out in the way we want them to happen. The problem is that we think we are alone in terms of thinking about things; if everyone is aware of the fact that everyone around them are just as insecure and terrified as they are, they wouldn't do things to hurt the others if they still have empathy and the sense of sympathising. Sadly, this is not what we usually can see in the society. In this cruel reality, we can only see how people encourage things to be made worse for the others because we want to excel, we want to be the superior individual that becomes dominant in the society we live in. We could care less about other people just for that, which is selfish, but unnecessary. We could have become dominant together. But we wouldn't want that. Because we are insecure and paranoid, and we fear that we will be dominated some day if we happen to unite in the first place.
This is a cruel reality we live in, but I believe it can be changed. I hope everyone changes, in terms of mindset. I will look forward to that day, when everything changes from bad to good.
Now, for desserts, I am treating you to listen to a new song that I love. It's called Killbot, by Devin Martin. Enjoy~
I wish I could just blame everything on fate, for what it has done to me in the past. As if it is even an object which can bear the burden of being blamed.
I worked so fucking hard, got so fucking tired of things not working out for me, and the reality that lies on the grades that I get for my exam didn't seem to be fair on that. Why is it that I have to be the one? Am I really paranoid, or am I just not trying hard enough in other people's eyes? Why is it that her grades are better than mine? Am I asking this because I am misogynistic and having the urge to condemn other females, just the way everyone will do?
I personally think that I should have never trusted anyone. I am feeling very insecure, which is what makes me become committed to put the blame on the others for what I am not good at, or it's just that my intentions on the education was not an appropriate way of dealing with it. Truth be told, everyone is insecure. They just don't want to tell anyone about it, ergo the only way to deal with the problem is by passing the sense of insecurity in the form of feelings and emotions (such as hatred and anger) to another person, ultimately transmitting the message full of unnecessary emotions from one person to another like some disease.
Perhaps it's because I am tired. I should get some rest soon. And when I am awake, I shall deal with things with a more prepared mind.
Recently, I just realised that people are different from who I think they are. In the past, I was always so humble and have no confidence at all because I think they are better and I am the worst. Now, I am always under the impression that people are literally self-absorbed and selfish. My problem was not because I am the worst; I was never the worst, but it was because I made myself to think in such a way.
What has the story of the Little Prince said about humans is almost very true. We do not know what we are doing even when we're doing it, and oftentimes when we are heading for our "goal", we didn't have the ideal and adequate mental ability and capability to do so. Our mind is not prepared, even if we have fed ourselves with positivity, but sometimes we are over-confident to a point that we could not accept what people have to say about what we're doing.
In other times, we are the ones who are being neglected. We are free, but we have led ourselves through the improper pathway. We did not let ourselves try hard enough for ourselves, and we wouldn't allow/let/want anyone to help us although in the end we blame them for the outcomes of our actions that affect our lives. We will not give ourselves a chance to do things right, let alone listening to what people have to say. People are discouraging if we let them, and we are also to be blamed because our attitudes have influenced their actions. Blame no one, but yourself.
Life is what we have always taken for granted, and fear is what we will never admit having. We are so scared of being judged, yet we are the ones who committed those deeds countless times. We are a group of vulnerable species who made ourselves vulnerable: that is, we overreact towards everything. From people's attitude, to little accidents that can literally ruin us.
Before one of my classmate told me stories about Adam and Eve, I was already curious about humans, about us. One of the questions I asked myself is: Why do humans wear clothes? Why don't bother being naked in public? I answered myself, saying that we wear clothes so that our 'private' parts will not be seen, which has clearly implied that we can never risk the chance of becoming exposed to other people who are also the same. So shouldn't we be grateful for having the chance to wear clothes instead of being naked and exposed, which was not what we are brave enough to do? So why are people taking things for granted? Why are we constantly hurting each other, humiliating other people who just want to be themselves? Why do we keep on criticising people, girls judging girls more often and boys being jerks? I know this doesn't apply to all girls and boys but, why are these things still happening, when as humans, we are supposed to not stick together solely for survival, but to make each others' days better?
We are the jerks who abused everything we touch and everything we have. We may give a valid reason for our doings but just to be frank to ourselves, we did do things for ourselves, and only for ourselves. One has stabbed the others for their own benefits in terms of money or survival or whatever he/she desired at that moment, and that's because we are doing it for ourselves. One has helped the needy from problems in life, and it's because he/she 'wants the person to feel better'. But the truth is, we just couldn't stand watching people suffer instead of themselves, so in order to compensate for our feelings and the guilt, he/she will help the others because of their personal emotions and feelings towards the situation.
In the end, we do everything for ourselves. Is that selfish? Or just for our survival? I am not the one to decide on this, I know. But these things keep on making me want to give them answers.
Picture of a woman named Tess, who was the protagonist's, Joel's girlfriend in The Last of Us. Picture from PlayStation.blog. I was rather upset to realise how she was like at first, but my respect for her grows bigger and bigger in time, and it was deeply troublesome to accept the fact that she died. She's a true fighter, brave and tough; probably my favourite female fictional character.
After watching a YouTuber playing The Last of Us, I could almost fall in love with the game. Since the time set for the zombie apocalypse in the game itself was apparently in the same era and actually really close to where we are now, it leads me to being able to relate the dilemma faced by the world during the two specific times. But I have one criticism about the game though, and it's that when Ellie was held as hostage by David and his crew, things just seem really weird to me. But maybe it was because I watched the plot first instead of watching that part of the game, which have always made me feel more expectant and demanding.
It's a Boy Girl Thing was definitely a reminiscent of Freaky Friday, basically due to the same concept. I laughed my head off from the beginning till the end, and it helped me to look at things in different ways such as the relationship of any kind can exist between a girl and a boy. This movie got me thinking more seriously about the ideas I have or had and the benefits of expanding them.
I also watched The Nanny Diaries. I do appreciate the way the movie express its idea, and how it helped me to look at things in a different matter. I was referring to the X family, which is one family that makes me feel sad to watch them. I've always wondered why would people, even adults, do such things to themselves and to those who are important to them? This movie made it clear to me, that we as human beings can always make the wrong decisions and mistakes at any time. And the only reason why we continue doing them is because we never really think about it, how it can affect the future. We are born of flesh and bone, and with the ability to think about anything. What we don't have, or what most of us don't have, is the will or sense of purpose in our lives. It's a fact that we are not prepared to become one of the living things in this world, we are really afraid. We are usually not born with a life that we want, hence we fall because we couldn't live up to pace.
And here I am, feeling so angry and tired from going through all these emotional situations.
I always spoke too soon, without thinking or at least be paranoid and start building up barriers around me from the upcoming incidents that are bound to happen on me.
I'm tired. I need to rest. But I couldn't.
Because nobody can make me smart except for me;
Reading all these Biology craps that may not even be true, except maybe viewing them from a theoretical aspect.
Why do I bother. What makes me do that?
Because in the end, I will lose everything;
Forgetting the things I've learnt in this life, forgetting all types of relationship I had with different people in this life. Forgetting that I care a lot about all this, I guess it's a good thing that I will forget when I die. And when I live my next life (if there's going to be one), I won't do the same thing; worrying about things that people think are stupid and unnecessary.
I want to give up.
I don't want to care, I don't want to know. I just want to live my life without all these burdens that I have to carry around with me wherever I go around the place. It feels so unfair that I am the only person that cares this much; It's an extremely lonely experience and too sophisticated to be understood clearly, with its own intention of confusing us, the victims.
I'm getting so lucky within this one day. First I got the chance to find a synthpop music that I enjoy listening, now I just found my favourite track from Dead Space 3. This is so awesome, it's turning out to be one really good day for me, and hoping that I'm not speaking this too soon, just in time for a tragedy to come and ruin my day *inserts paranoia*.
I can't say that I watched any old sci-fi movies or shows before, just because I can't or don't remember. But this song somehow turned out to be a reminiscent of those stuffs, as if I heard it somewhere before I listen to this. You can listen to this whenever Isaac Clarke is floating around space, such as during the travel towards SK-1P or looking for useable parts with Rosen.
I just found this really awesome song. I love it ever since I heard it for the first time in Amnesia's custom story- It's Hurting My Eyes. It was a really nice game intro, no words can describe the epic-ness of it. I was searching for the song from Google to YouTube to YouTubers' comments below the video. Thankfully I found it and I really want to say thanks to the YouTuber who posted the comment that has the answer. If I'm not mistaken, this is a synthpop song. And did I mention that I love synthpop music?
By the way, this is the first song feature in It's Hurting My Eyes. Once again, thank you so much YouTuber!
I've seen enough of hatred being passed around like an infection around the world to not notice it. Even little things like people ignoring strangers who apparently needed their help or children being neglected by parents in the public make me angry, all the time. And the worst part about hate, is that people seem to fail to differentiate between what's good or bad for them. I have a good English teacher who is currently the senior assistant of academics for our course we're taking, but people seem to take his words as something laughable and unimportant. Why would you hate people just because they care more about what they need to do than the others, such as you for instance? Why are people making fun of people just because they are being responsible and dedicated to their job? Why won't you stop creating hate around this place? There's not enough kindness and sympathy to go around and now you're just here being a troublemaker? Unfortunately, that's what we humans do actually.
Before I was less knowledgeable about these things, I was really humble and paranoid. I feel that I can never be compared to other people around me, as if I was born to be less capable and I can never deserve the best. It was dumb, real dumb. But people could've helped me getting out of that wall that I enclosed around me, feeling all so insecure and helpless. But nobody did. I blamed them. I accused them for being ignorant and selfish. Now I am just glad that I started to prevent myself from thinking that way; because it is an actual fact that everybody, and I mean everybody, is scared. Everybody is afraid that they themselves will get hurt, and kudos to those who never failed or stopped to help the others because that is what we should be impressed about instead of being impressed by someone's wealth or beauty or someone's excellent grades in exams. Those are just the minor distractions that are what happened to be something we care more about. I used to be like that, though; but now I have looked forward in the hopes of noticing changes or new discoveries in people. I want to tell myself that I am not the only one who can see things in these ways but I will meet someone that does the same.
I could have stopped caring and be like "nobody assisted me in doing these things, thinking the other way about things and lead me out of the prison that I brought myself in. So from now on, I will not care for them too. I will make their lives miserable or even better, let them feel how I felt." I could've chosen to be THAT selfish but I guess there's no point in doing that. I believe that when I care about things, I can improve my mental and inner strength, and I can do all sorts of good things to make this world a better place for everyone. I don't want to be someone who is the same like everyone else and be stereotypical about it. I want to ponder on things the other way, to think about it for myself and try my best to be fair. I don't want to give up on everything. I don't want to make the same mistake that everybody or most people did. I want to live my life my way, which is extremely dependent on the choices I made for myself. I don't want to spread hate; I want to spread love around. And even if people are being bad towards me, I believe in myself that I will not lose hope and commit myself in doing the wrong things that I already knew was bad. Even if they hate me for being who I want to be, I want to let them know that they can do the same to themselves.
