Every Human has Been Punished for Being a Human

Just another one of my artworks.

I've always wondered why am I living, what's the purpose of having me here on Earth. Sometimes I think that I have been chosen, given a chance to live when there are hundreds or perhaps millions of progeny that my mom would have given birth to, as there are a huge bunch of sperms attempting to fuse with the one and only one ovum. I'm not even sure if that's how it works, does it? Anybody?

Most of us were born with the ability to feel. If we weren't born with feelings, we would do anything we want regardless of the outcomes; how bad it will turn out to become. However, that also means that one that has feelings will be able to feel the pain as in due to having to take in insults, fear, humiliation and other unpleasant feelings.

So, is it still necessary to be able to feel? Is feeling pain a form of sacrifice, in return for the ability to feel? If that's the case why is everybody in this world constantly hurting each other if they know nobody wants to feel the pain? Why wouldn't anyone avoid doing it?

Because everyone thought hurting the others make them better in terms of pride, and everybody practically thinks that doing it will boost their confidence towards themselves, or at least feel a little better about themselves. Who wouldn't want to be on top? Or perhaps, on top of everyone? Humans are selfish in their own ways, but we could have avoided ourselves from being a little too selfish.

In the end, we are all culprits in everything that we have taken part in. We accuse the others for hurting the others, yet we are wrong in accusing, calling names and cursing the supposedly "bad guys" in these situations. Hatred and jealousy cloud our judgement, but people don't seem to realise that.

People that believe in religion, if they happen to be too religious, they would kill anyone that insulted theirs. How is it necessary? Does God even exist? If He does, is it necessary, once again, to seek for His guidance, when you were clearly born with a brain to differentiate between good and evil, and the ability to reason? Why would you rely on God, whose existence cannot be confirmed by the others (as the believers claim that they do feel God's presence), when you can rely on yourself? Why seek for His forgiveness, when you could have easily prevented yourself from committing sins, and even they are unavoidable, why take God for granted, beg for his forgiveness and continue to make the same mistake?

Is being alive and having the chance to do things in it a test, to see if we are to create mistakes that would normally be made by humans? Or is this a form of punishment, as we are prone to get disease and having the tendency to hurt other people? Were we really born to learn to be individualistic (having our own bedroom and at times shut ourselves from everybody cuz we need some space), selfish (even though we are all humans, we were apparently not educated in such a way that we should not only care for our families and lovers but to care for strangers too) and hurt the others?

And we all thought we are walking to the correct path in our lives, but are we?

Tomorrow's the day/Propane Nightmares

Another one of my earlier works.

It's time to move forward and work on greater things even more seriously. I shall approach every tasks handed to me in life with the best attitude and spirit. I might fail in doing what I do but I will be fine with that, because I live only for once and my main objective, which I will never forget, is to do my best in my life, to succeed in doing the things that I am responsible for. 

Rob Swire has/had that mesmerising voice which fits perfectly with this artistically-created piece of masterwork - Propane Nightmares. Over these days, I am still finding ways or clues, thinking of how in the world was the title of the song related to the song itself. Though Rob wasn't the only one who wrote the song, I am just intrigued by the idea that a badass superstar like him would choose to make songs with such beautiful yet difficult-to-be-understood lyrics. As I am neither an expert in drum and bass related works nor a skilled poet or lyrics writer, I am always fascinated by the idea of combining the two separate souls into something meaningful and much more unforgettable, and most of the time I would immerse myself into the works of Pendulum. I may have misunderstood Pendulum's purpose of releasing the song as a single, but they shouldn't be too troubled by that as their songs, especially Propane Nightmares, have brought joy into my life and encouraged me to bring changes to my life. So thank you Pendulum, from your loyal fan who always wishes that Pendulum will some day recruit again to make more music.

That's what she said.

One of my artworks.

"We're bound to be different from one another, and we're bound to be special in various ways. I used to be extremely conscious and paranoid about how people would react towards what I did or how I behaved. That was the past. I guess I've grown up since then. The past has taught me so many good lessons that people wouldn't tell you how to deal with. I don't blame them either, because they are just THAT self-absorbed, selfish and hopeless. Nobody will look out for you. You are the only one who can rely on yourself. But that doesn't mean you have to be mean towards them.

I can always picture how we humans have always been insecure and frightful since we were born to this world. If people happen to treat you badly, just remember that they have always been used to look after themselves, which means they would care less about how you will deal with the situations. That's cool bro. You shouldn't be too upset about it. Maybe a little.

Love everyone, no matter how bad they treat you, now or before. If you have a better insight later in your life, you'll understand why. Standards of behaviour needs to be improved throughout a person's life. The more you live your everyday life to the fullest, the greater your life is going to turn out, sooner or later. Because we are continuously learning and understanding things day by day, and eventually we are getting better at dealing with dilemmas and issues. That's how we roll. That's why we shouldn't rush things."

Love

My recent artwork.

To have the opportunity to love someone is truly a gift which I have not experienced yet. Love is manipulating and powerful- it can affect people. Most importantly, it can affect our decisions. I am not an expert in relationships. But I am willing to be in one. I want to truly understand how it feels like to be in one. I want to be able to love somebody before I die. I want to have the opportunity to say "I love you" to that special someone, and to hold him/her so endearingly sweet that he/she feels like as if he/she is the luckiest person in the world. I want to be able to do things together with who I love, and we can actually enjoy doing things together. I want him/her to share his/her worries with me when he/she is sad, telling me how happy he/she was when he/she experienced something good in his/her life. I want to be able to make him/her feel being loved by someone, by me. And all I want, is that he/she is happy to be with me.

Stop Hating, Start Loving

A sketch of two girls by me.

I've seen enough of hatred being passed around like an infection around the world to not notice it. Even little things like people ignoring strangers who apparently needed their help or children being neglected by parents in the public make me angry, all the time. And the worst part about hate, is that people seem to fail to differentiate between what's good or bad for them. I have a good English teacher who is currently the senior assistant of academics for our course we're taking, but people seem to take his words as something laughable and unimportant. Why would you hate people just because they care more about what they need to do than the others, such as you for instance? Why are people making fun of people just because they are being responsible and dedicated to their job? Why won't you stop creating hate around this place? There's not enough kindness and sympathy to go around and now you're just here being a troublemaker? Unfortunately, that's what we humans do actually.

Before I was less knowledgeable about these things, I was really humble and paranoid. I feel that I can never be compared to other people around me, as if I was born to be less capable and I can never deserve the best. It was dumb, real dumb. But people could've helped me getting out of that wall that I enclosed around me, feeling all so insecure and helpless. But nobody did. I blamed them. I accused them for being ignorant and selfish. Now I am just glad that I started to prevent myself from thinking that way; because it is an actual fact that everybody, and I mean everybody, is scared. Everybody is afraid that they themselves will get hurt, and kudos to those who never failed or stopped to help the others because that is what we should be impressed about instead of being impressed by someone's wealth or beauty or someone's excellent grades in exams. Those are just the minor distractions that are what happened to be something we care more about. I used to be like that, though; but now I have looked forward in the hopes of noticing changes or new discoveries in people. I want to tell myself that I am not the only one who can see things in these ways but I will meet someone that does the same.

I could have stopped caring and be like "nobody assisted me in doing these things, thinking the other way about things and lead me out of the prison that I brought myself in. So from now on, I will not care for them too. I will make their lives miserable or even better, let them feel how I felt." I could've chosen to be THAT selfish but I guess there's no point in doing that. I believe that when I care about things, I can improve my mental and inner strength, and I can do all sorts of good things to make this world a better place for everyone. I don't want to be someone who is the same like everyone else and be stereotypical about it. I want to ponder on things the other way, to think about it for myself and try my best to be fair. I don't want to give up on everything. I don't want to make the same mistake that everybody or most people did. I want to live my life my way, which is extremely dependent on the choices I made for myself. I don't want to spread hate; I want to spread love around. And even if people are being bad towards me, I believe in myself that I will not lose hope and commit myself in doing the wrong things that I already knew was bad. Even if they hate me for being who I want to be, I want to let them know that they can do the same to themselves.

All Forms of Struggle

A photographic film of beautiful faces.

 "Oh no, not again..."

I work so hard for my future and for myself. I don't want to give up, but then again, problems are becoming distractions, and they won't stop coming into my life and get on my nerves. I must persevere, I must not stop fighting, I must be mentally and physically prepared; so I guess I need to be okay with having these distractions intruding my life, as a way to learn things and improve myself to the max.

The first problem of the day, is infatuation. Yes, it's been a year since I talked about me being infatuated with some guy that is older than me. This time it was different; I am beginning to like this guy who was a year younger than me. Every single girl wants to be protected by someone, that gives them the sense of security they want. The problem is they didn't even realise that, and in most cases they chose to deny it and constantly thought that other "bitches" are doing it themselves and begin to judge those people. That is the reason that I think that makes people believe that females need to be judged of their actions, but not for males. - it seemed pretty acceptable to criticise women of their behaviour, but in the end, it's just a dumb stereotype that prevents us from uniting together.

I do want to be protected, but I'll admit that I want to be in a relationship with someone. But I wasn't gonna, or at least I was not prepared to go around and search for love. Besides, I don't want to, even though the other side of me tells me to do it. I keep hearing my friends and classmates talking about how they will get married in the future, have kids and form family and all that. And whenever they talk about that, I wonder whether they really think about it because it's just some pointless sayings, or it's just that I am a strange person, and that's only because I have started to doubt that will make me happy, or even complete my life. Anyway, this guy just makes me want to break my own principle of being single in the future. I cannot forget how cute he is, how good he is, and how he smiled at me this morning.


"Admit it. We are all scaredy cats."

People couldn't be more stereotypical than who they are now- stereotypical. For living in this town for the most of the time in my life, it's safe to draw a conclusion that people have changed. Couldn't be more arrogant than who they are now.

I hate this. Why are we doing this to ourselves? We are all equal. But why are people pushing each other around? Is it necessary to do that? I don't know how do people behave in the past but, if they are to continue doing this now, then this world has no chance of becoming any better.

I don't want to be the same. I don't want to get revenge on people for what they did to me. It's not what I'm supposed to do. Life is too short to give a few shits about wanting to pay back for what people have done to you. Revenge is a drug. Hate is such a powerful emotion that has the potential of ruining this world, destroying hope and opportunities. It makes us become addicted to hurt, but for the wrong reason. But here we are, destroying each other and eventually destroying the ecosystem.

To a New Environment: Where Things Start to Make Sense

 

 

To all of  you who knew who I was: this is for you.

 

I sat alone inside the carriage; a vehicle that doesn't belong in places like this, the populated suburb. I guess I didn't too; too unacceptable and an apparent nuisance. We don't know ourselves, we thought we knew; but instead we have always expected people to. We are always so afraid of approaching what we don't really know- people, who technically have different way of thinking about everything, apart from us. Because fear is just something too "shameful" to be admitted by us, by everything that lives. We didn't change because we are too afraid to do it. We are so good in hiding it in other forms of emotions; arrogance, selfishness, hatred......

 

So I did the same thing like everyone would do; I pulled the curtains to cover the window and peeked outside through a small gap that I made for myself- something that we always do. We don't want to be seen, but we are the ones who want to see; because we are scared and alone, paranoid and delusional - everything that lives is. But loneliness is the least of what we need. We seek for attention, search around for people who will give a damn about us. But we gave nothing. But we want to be part of things. And if that happens, we won't care about anything, anymore.

 

We are so near to each other, yet our minds are what distance us from one another. We don't really care about each other, anyway. All we want is for at least one companion to make us feel less lonely. We expect companionship from our friends to make us feel safe from things because basically it's one of the very few things that we care about- not being alone. We feel accepted, but we got ourselves included into something that worsens us, retards us, makes us neglect what should be important to us.

 

From that moment on, we rise to the surface of things. We became arrogant and ignorant, intolerant and out of control. We want people to think the way we think, to feel the same thing we felt. We are selfish because we have been driven mad by fear and loneliness. That is what makes us so special.

 

The photos and sketches above are taken and drawn by me.

A Tremendous Loss; and Its Aftereffects

A picture of me and my sister, sketched by me.

My sister and I were close together.

She's my biggest inspiration.

She's brave, older, caring and lovable,

until that day when she started to change.

I don't blame her though, as she was mentally influenced.

In fact, almost everyone was.

I'll never forget how she spoke to me so cruelly,

Unlike the way she used to behave.

She has always been very important to me;

But the marker took her away from me,

took everything I had away from me.

I never felt so lost in my entire life.

My family was everything I had.

How would the marker expect me to cope with life,

when I no longer have the reason to fight for it?

It didn't.

Like every living thing, its goals is to achieve its own ambition;

and that is to create new life, hundreds and thousands of them,

and ultimately create a network of moons that are brothers to each other.

But to sacrifice my sister and my family for it......

That's really selfish. In a lot of ways.

It's all about sketching.

I remember that I started sketching portraits of people since I was 4. Back then my sketches were not really detailed visuals. Year by year has passed, and my passion in sketching never ceased. And I'm proud to say that I enhanced my portrait-sketching skill by my own.

 

I've always wanted to become a freelance artist. I told myself that I will take up Illustration course at a university or art school. But because my dad won't allow me to, and even though my mom permits, it wouldn't make any difference because eventually there's that fact that someone will not allow me to fulfil my ambition. Till this day, I still sketch. It's safe to say that art is my heart and soul. Without it, I'm a nobody.

 

Sometimes I still doubt myself, thinking whether I am as good as other artist; or at least a decent one. I received positive reviews from my friends and teachers, but also negative ones. That one negative remark came from my elder sister, but sometime later she thought I was really good in it.

 

Well, to any of you that reads this post, here's my so-called good sketchings of girls and women, taken with a Canon IXUS 130. This was the first time that I used willow charcoal sticks to draw faces, along with a 2B pencil.

This/These was the packet(s) of willow charcoal sticks that I was talking about, although I only have a box of it. For more details please visit the Daler Rowney website. The photo is also sourced from the website.

I want you.

Photo above: a sketch of an anonymous beauty, by yours truly.

My mind keeps on running.

From walking on the streets, along the beach, pacing on the sidewalk going home, my mind keeps running, and it's only because I let my mind to do so.

And I am always thinking about you; your beautiful face with that bright coloured eyes yet intense outlines, your curvy but sharp and perfect nose, your pretty and flawless curled lips, and your hair that seemed beautiful however way you dress it up.

You were never mine, but you will always be in my heart. Once I dreamed of how nice it would be if we can be together, sitting on the sand, or kissing in the rain. Together, we could share memories that we cherish so much, and do crazy things yet we enjoy them like a nice meal. I want you to be able to hug me and never let go, so that we can be together, forever, that nothing can break us apart, or tear us down.

But you are meant to be free, you are meant to be an independent person that can do things perfectly on your own. And I shouldn't be there to ruin things for you, or get in your way.

I shall let you go, for your sake of discovering things around you, unleashing your own potential in doing various things. You are a talented person, so don't bury yourself in this relationship that will obstruct your visions.

Goodbye, my ex-lover.