All Forms of Struggle

A photographic film of beautiful faces.

 "Oh no, not again..."

I work so hard for my future and for myself. I don't want to give up, but then again, problems are becoming distractions, and they won't stop coming into my life and get on my nerves. I must persevere, I must not stop fighting, I must be mentally and physically prepared; so I guess I need to be okay with having these distractions intruding my life, as a way to learn things and improve myself to the max.

The first problem of the day, is infatuation. Yes, it's been a year since I talked about me being infatuated with some guy that is older than me. This time it was different; I am beginning to like this guy who was a year younger than me. Every single girl wants to be protected by someone, that gives them the sense of security they want. The problem is they didn't even realise that, and in most cases they chose to deny it and constantly thought that other "bitches" are doing it themselves and begin to judge those people. That is the reason that I think that makes people believe that females need to be judged of their actions, but not for males. - it seemed pretty acceptable to criticise women of their behaviour, but in the end, it's just a dumb stereotype that prevents us from uniting together.

I do want to be protected, but I'll admit that I want to be in a relationship with someone. But I wasn't gonna, or at least I was not prepared to go around and search for love. Besides, I don't want to, even though the other side of me tells me to do it. I keep hearing my friends and classmates talking about how they will get married in the future, have kids and form family and all that. And whenever they talk about that, I wonder whether they really think about it because it's just some pointless sayings, or it's just that I am a strange person, and that's only because I have started to doubt that will make me happy, or even complete my life. Anyway, this guy just makes me want to break my own principle of being single in the future. I cannot forget how cute he is, how good he is, and how he smiled at me this morning.


"Admit it. We are all scaredy cats."

People couldn't be more stereotypical than who they are now- stereotypical. For living in this town for the most of the time in my life, it's safe to draw a conclusion that people have changed. Couldn't be more arrogant than who they are now.

I hate this. Why are we doing this to ourselves? We are all equal. But why are people pushing each other around? Is it necessary to do that? I don't know how do people behave in the past but, if they are to continue doing this now, then this world has no chance of becoming any better.

I don't want to be the same. I don't want to get revenge on people for what they did to me. It's not what I'm supposed to do. Life is too short to give a few shits about wanting to pay back for what people have done to you. Revenge is a drug. Hate is such a powerful emotion that has the potential of ruining this world, destroying hope and opportunities. It makes us become addicted to hurt, but for the wrong reason. But here we are, destroying each other and eventually destroying the ecosystem.

Tegan and Sara are the best!

So I did not post anything for the past 6 days, partly because I was SO busy with school work and studies. Ha, and you should know that is part of the reason I mention here first as a 'protection' and a way to defend myself in case people accuse me for being something else. The truth is, I DID study, do my schoolwork and I worked really really hard for getting education. But I also happen to be getting really addicted to watching YouTube and fooling around the Internet, because deep down in my heart I know I'm still not aware of the importance of not wasting my youth and strive to achieve the best.

 

Haha, enough about my story! This post is actually meant for showing appreciation towards Tegan and Sara, the cool and strong duo that made my days, turning my life downside up to a really good way. Seriously, as in not lying; I never felt so close to a certain taste of music genre in my life, but perhaps this is a false statement because I've always been bad at comparing and differentiating between my past interests and the current ones. I remember I was a hardcore fan of Linkin Park exactly 4 years ago, then my daily addiction of listening to their songs eventually died out as if I lost something but I never cared about it. Listening to rock and metal music was a good hobby, but I needed to move on and forget the joy it had brought to me.

 

I am really happy that I found them. The first song that I've heard which was made by them is Closer, from then on I started to really like their songs. Body Work is one of my favourites by them, by far. Somehow their music has been really appealing to me. Everything about their songs are just perfect and really special in my eyes and heart and I would listen to them when everything seems the same because they are just unique in terms of appearance and musical style.

Listening to their songs make me feel new and refreshed, and basically it's because of their music that makes me feel lively again after a what felt like a really long time. That's what I need occasionally in my life because everything seems dull and repeated. Therefore I recommend their songs to everyone, especially to those who wished to find something new in music. That's all from me and thanks for reading!

A Collection of Findings

I know this blog is supposed to be about me sharing what I curate and love, and it has been quite some time since I start to not share stuffs here. So in this blog, I will be sharing some good songs that I've been addicted to for a while; a month, or a year.
 

I used to be a rock metal fan, but that interest kinda died and was long gone before I eventually found this song. And technically I first heard it in Dead Space 3, featured as the song played alongside the credits, and the second time being featured in Dead Space 3: Awakened as the same role in the credits. I don't usually find myself listening to rock anymore but this song changed that. I just love it. Video by oldstories89.

 

I was watching YouTube videos as always, and then I saw Tegan and Sara posing so elegantly in one of the videos suggested for me in the "Suggestion" section. Curious, I clicked the "Closer" music video by the duo, and since then I started to find a great interest in listening to their songs. I'm so glad that I found them. They're such perfect twins. And this song is my favourite song from the duo featuring Morgan Page.Video by MorganPageVEVO.

 

I heard the remade version of this song in a Dead Space "movie" trailer. I couldn't find the movie but damn, this song was so unique yet genuine. Ever since I listen to it for the first time, I have been craving for the tunes and lyrics of this classically awesome masterpiece or at least that's what I'm going to call it. Video by Phil Collins.

 

This is the theme song for The Witch's House. To me, this song is a reminiscent of Spirited Away and Howl's Moving Castle; so basically it's a great reminder of the Japanese shows and films I've watched. This song is so full of emotions and a great overall story-teller for the game itself as you listen on to it. Video by TehZoln.

To a New Environment: Where Things Start to Make Sense

 

 

To all of  you who knew who I was: this is for you.

 

I sat alone inside the carriage; a vehicle that doesn't belong in places like this, the populated suburb. I guess I didn't too; too unacceptable and an apparent nuisance. We don't know ourselves, we thought we knew; but instead we have always expected people to. We are always so afraid of approaching what we don't really know- people, who technically have different way of thinking about everything, apart from us. Because fear is just something too "shameful" to be admitted by us, by everything that lives. We didn't change because we are too afraid to do it. We are so good in hiding it in other forms of emotions; arrogance, selfishness, hatred......

 

So I did the same thing like everyone would do; I pulled the curtains to cover the window and peeked outside through a small gap that I made for myself- something that we always do. We don't want to be seen, but we are the ones who want to see; because we are scared and alone, paranoid and delusional - everything that lives is. But loneliness is the least of what we need. We seek for attention, search around for people who will give a damn about us. But we gave nothing. But we want to be part of things. And if that happens, we won't care about anything, anymore.

 

We are so near to each other, yet our minds are what distance us from one another. We don't really care about each other, anyway. All we want is for at least one companion to make us feel less lonely. We expect companionship from our friends to make us feel safe from things because basically it's one of the very few things that we care about- not being alone. We feel accepted, but we got ourselves included into something that worsens us, retards us, makes us neglect what should be important to us.

 

From that moment on, we rise to the surface of things. We became arrogant and ignorant, intolerant and out of control. We want people to think the way we think, to feel the same thing we felt. We are selfish because we have been driven mad by fear and loneliness. That is what makes us so special.

 

The photos and sketches above are taken and drawn by me.

A Tremendous Loss; and Its Aftereffects

A picture of me and my sister, sketched by me.

My sister and I were close together.

She's my biggest inspiration.

She's brave, older, caring and lovable,

until that day when she started to change.

I don't blame her though, as she was mentally influenced.

In fact, almost everyone was.

I'll never forget how she spoke to me so cruelly,

Unlike the way she used to behave.

She has always been very important to me;

But the marker took her away from me,

took everything I had away from me.

I never felt so lost in my entire life.

My family was everything I had.

How would the marker expect me to cope with life,

when I no longer have the reason to fight for it?

It didn't.

Like every living thing, its goals is to achieve its own ambition;

and that is to create new life, hundreds and thousands of them,

and ultimately create a network of moons that are brothers to each other.

But to sacrifice my sister and my family for it......

That's really selfish. In a lot of ways.

Rescued from Exhaustion

I met you in a bathroom.

We faced the floor, not knowing what to do at first.

Our relationship must be really something,

because I closed the door,

and you pulled me closer to you,

then we started to kiss.

You are a thoughtful person.

Because you wouldn't let me hold your hand which you claimed to be dirty.

And the dream ended like this,

as I am left here wondering;

if I'll meet an interesting person like you in the future.

A Tragic to be Remembered

"Sometimes everything seems really... harsh. I don't think I can handle it. Or... I don't know if I'm gonna be, or strong enough to- to be on my own."

-Aubrey Miller, The First Time

An unwanted murder. Photo taken by me.

*

Have you ever imagined what it's like... to be killed by your own father?

I didn't. At least, not until a few weeks ago, when I read The Witch's House's plot for the first time.

My dad and I didn't really get along well, I'll admit this.

There were times when he got on my nerves, and there's nothing that I could do about it.

I couldn't fight off the rage I felt. Instead, I buried myself into the planet of Hatred.

I feel damaged and broken, as I am now thinking, for the first time in my life, how it feels to be murdered by my own dad. It's not that he hates me intentionally, but he kills me to protect someone who he thought has always been me.

**

I played The Witch's House for one hour or more. Believe it or not, to me, it's a surprisingly non-horrifying experience for me, despite other players claiming that it scared the shit out of them when they played the game. Maybe it's because of the ambience inside the house, that warm and cozy feeling inside an old house or mansion that I thought I could feel and understand, as if I'm inside the house myself.

Or maybe it's just me. Maybe I knew what I was about to deal with in the game all along. The sadness probably overcame my feelings of becoming afraid. I'll admit this; I watched part of the walkthroughs before playing it myself as I was subscribed to someone who finally played it. That was the first time I was introduced to this game, and never did I ever come across a game with such a storyline.

I almost died, literally. After playing the chasing part in the game for couple of times, I gave up. I guess I am no longer flexible with using my fingers to press buttons in a game. I searched for walkthroughs of the final chase; with Ellen (who was actually Viola) chasing Viola (who was Ellen). This time, curiosity kills me. I am still left emotionally destroyed, and it's only because I got greedy and anticipated to watch more of it, till the end of the video. I guess the actual Viola can never be reunited with her father in this game. And knowing someone like Ellen who will be the one that replaces her and continue staying with the father, I can understand why she will go mad eventually if she's still alive.

Ellen was forced to be abandoned. Her parents died, she had no love from nobody. It's understandable that she would hurt anybody or anything, like her friends and the cats. And having to switch bodies with Viola would give her the opportunity to be with Viola's father, as being loved is what she needed. She WOULD kill to get what she want, because she had nothing left but she wanted anything that she could get her hands onto- love. It would have made sense that this happened.

Humans are helpless and self-absorbed creatures. We will do anything to seek for attention and security. We want to be loved, but we won't be giving any away. To me, I personally think that this is the greatest obstacle that we often fail to overcome. And that is why, we are our own "worst enemy".

We hurt to make ourselves feel better, to rage on and to think that it's the only or best way to deal with our emptiness. We don't care, and we never will, about other things. That is the starting point of our failure, from there we begin to fall. We are scared, but we never admit our fears, nor committing ourselves to the truth; that is, we can still change, rectify the damage that we have done. But for someone like Ellen, the past is too untouchable and haunting. And I assume that she never regret doing what she had done, as she got what she wanted. But will she do more harm, I have no idea.

I must say it's a good game with the whole settings and wording that the author came up with, but that ending is just so twisted and unforgettable, too unforgettable...... To a point that it may haunt and traumatise me till the day I die.

CHILL OUT!!!

a photo taken by me, of one of the things that can serve as a reminder to ourselves that even if life does not turn out to be how we want it to be, occasionally or all the time - this is a reason why you should not think in that way. Everything just doesn't seem to understand this. Now I am starting to think that everyone in the whole world, or maybe every living organisms exist(ed) are lacking of the ability to protect themselves; constantly harming the others who hurt you, when you should learn from your own downfall that it's more important for you to build up your own SELF CONFIDENCE. I've seen people trying to push others into doing what they themselves are afraid of - why can't you do it yourself? The truth is: YOU CAN DO IT. You just fucking didn't.

Now, is that a way of dealing with fears? No. Everything is hopeless because everything was initially born vulnerable to all sorts of things. Don't expect things to be made easy for you because they never were. If there's anything that every living things need to learn, is to be tolerant of others. Accept with open heart, with compassion. Don't expect to be accepted, but know that you are doing yourself a kindness by committing yourself into doing things that are helpful to the environment and the whole community or ecosystem of the whole universe - that is by facing the world with a compassionate thought about it, and the intention of helping each other (no matter who are they) to rise from their own enclosed world of despair and hopelessness is what you need to have in yourself now.

It's all about sketching.

I remember that I started sketching portraits of people since I was 4. Back then my sketches were not really detailed visuals. Year by year has passed, and my passion in sketching never ceased. And I'm proud to say that I enhanced my portrait-sketching skill by my own.

 

I've always wanted to become a freelance artist. I told myself that I will take up Illustration course at a university or art school. But because my dad won't allow me to, and even though my mom permits, it wouldn't make any difference because eventually there's that fact that someone will not allow me to fulfil my ambition. Till this day, I still sketch. It's safe to say that art is my heart and soul. Without it, I'm a nobody.

 

Sometimes I still doubt myself, thinking whether I am as good as other artist; or at least a decent one. I received positive reviews from my friends and teachers, but also negative ones. That one negative remark came from my elder sister, but sometime later she thought I was really good in it.

 

Well, to any of you that reads this post, here's my so-called good sketchings of girls and women, taken with a Canon IXUS 130. This was the first time that I used willow charcoal sticks to draw faces, along with a 2B pencil.

This/These was the packet(s) of willow charcoal sticks that I was talking about, although I only have a box of it. For more details please visit the Daler Rowney website. The photo is also sourced from the website.

Self Reminding

I'm glad that you're not real. you're just someone that I wish I could have.

If you were to exist, I would have fallen for your personality.

When you exist, I am nothing.

and living this life would have been a waste of time.

your very existence would have haunted me, tortured me.

and I would always question my own identity.

I mean it.

Social Site Issues

Everything Happens for a Reason. There are all kinds of possibilities to which why a person acts in such a way the person acted, but there are always only one or a few reason why he or she did it.

Part One

Living in a community, it is to be expected that people do not always share the same opinion and thought towards things. It is sad to see people hurting each other, mentally or physically, and it is definitely not a way to solve problems. Just because people have different thoughts from yours, doesn't mean that they are what you claim them to be. I was searching for one of my favourite songs on YouTube just now. I just happen to click this video and I only listen to the audio while I scroll down the page for the comments to see what people have to say.

 

The top comment stated "59 people have no taste in music". I believe that the person who wrote the comment was referring to the people who disliked the video. To anyone who feels protective of the song would have said that if they wanted to, what makes me wonder is that why that person chose to write such things, when she could have said anything apart from that. Of course she has the right to voice out, and she can definitely protect what she believes in, but why would she choose to post such hurtful comment in some public website? "Hurtful"; the emotion from the comment is directed straight to people who disliked the video, though they may not see it. She has the rights as a YouTuber, but abusing the right makes her at fault too.

 

Another reason that I could thought of, is that she was letting people experience the same emotion that she had experienced in the past. Could be vengeance, I don't know. The third reason, suggests that she was testing how people will react towards the emotion to make conclusions. And as for the fourth one, she just couldn't understand why people will dislike the music that she liked. Note to her: everyone has different taste in music or just any other things. People don't have the same passion, and they do not need to like what one likes. Like I said, criticise them only make you a right and mental abuser. And perhaps they sincerely could not find any ways to like the music? That's not a sin, is it?

 

Moreover, I sometimes think of the possible reason that makes people want to click the dislike buttons for any comment, post, video or anything on any site that has those buttons. One, they dislike the contents which make them feel uncomfortable. Two, they dislike it because it contains elements of nudity, violence or anything unpleasant to the point which makes them want to report it. Three, they dislike the creator or the author of the apparent content, this could happen due to jealousy, feelings of offensiveness or any of the sort. Four and finally, they just do not agree with the ideas of the content.

 

People who clicked the "dislike" button for the video intend to show how they think of the video; the girl who commented was merely judging people for how they reacted towards the video; the people who contributed in making her comment top-rated were only supporting, but encouraged her thought; and we, who did nothing, are ignoring what has been happening. People blame the Internet for causing social problems, but ironically, we who use the Internet are the ones updating its contents, voicing out what we want to say.
 

Part Two

 

Once I was really interested in a Facebook page which features a public character- a female entertainer. She is very beautiful I must say, even though she used to go for surgery to change and enhance her appearance. I don't get why people will use that against her, surgery was introduced in this world for a reason, right? She wanted to do it, so why can't she do it? She has the freedom, and not to be rude or anything, but she is free to do what she wants without other people's consent.

 

During recent years, she was accused of lying to the public, as she claimed that she was chosen as the ambassador for some event by some company. They shared the source which suggested that she was lying all the time, and constantly insulted and scolded her publicly on her Facebook page. I was curious, so I took a look at it, and it did sound like as if she could be lying.

 

Even so, so what? I thought. Look, she could have lied, but there's always a reason for anything that happened. She could have mentioned how excited she was before the actual election, but when it turned out not to be her, she could have lied to either make herself feel better, or she just did not want to disappoint other people. Or maybe the company was sabotaging her after all? I wonder if people will actually consider this, instead of accusing her for an "evidence" that was created by someone who hates her to make her look bad. And the funny thing is that people who like those comments which are meant to violate her image are mostly girls and women. I guess those girls are jealous and feel threatened by the public figure's supposedly "perfection". Or maybe they really don't like how she behaved?

 

Someone made a few pages to boycott her, though. Honestly, I'm still impressed by how much they put up to the emotion they experienced towards the public figure. Their effort of trying to make her fellow fans to realise that she was lying all the time really enlightens me. But the fundamental question that they should ask themselves first is that: are they really fighting for the truth, or have they been pushing on for a false yet seemingly true statement? My only hope is that they will stop all this craziness and just move on with their own lives.

 

A public figure does not affect how your life will turn out, and I'm not saying that you don't need to care how such people will affect other people or the possibility that the person did lie. All I'm trying to say is that life can either be long or short; we should fight and work hard for our priorities, our main purposes in life, that is to take care of people around us and not let them suffer for something that we can help to avoid. We ought to cherish our lives and spend every moment wisely so that we will not regret. And if one still feels anger, channel that anger into doing something productive, such as helping the others or do volunteer work. Why must people make themselves suffer by showing feelings of hate and anger? Hate and anger make one unhealthy and less focused towards important things around him or her. As a human just like any of them, I wish they will stop doing things that are not necessary to be done, such as being angry or getting obsessed over things that are less likely to happen.

 

The truth is, people can be really out of control if they chose to behave like that. We have freedom in doing anything; but we often let ourselves make the wrong decisions. One person can make a difference. What we did affects other people's lives and yes, there can be either good or bad consequences.

Happy Birthday Isaac Clarke!

Today is apparently the day which we celebrate Isaac Clarke's birthday! By the way, I knew today is his birthday from the wikia website of Dead Space. So Happy Birthday to our brave hero! At least that's what I will call him, for being so courageous, and badass!

And anyway, I just found out that the necromorph outbreak, or the Marker infection, which was how I called it before, did happen for a few times, such as during the earlier events in Dead Space: Liberation, where the planet Uxor was attacked by necromorphs in the supposedly recent necromorph outbreak, the other one being in the era where the aliens like Rosetta attempted to freeze the planet, Tau Volantis to halt the events of Convergence.

But I still couldn't figure out the Codex business though, whether there's more than one in the Dead Space universe. In any case, I will come back with more stuffs to share.

Immerse and Obsess: Dead Space.

I got to make one thing clear; When I say I love Dead Space, it doesn't mean that I play the game ("Duh! You don't have to love it by playing it!", you would say, probably). I don't play Dead Space. I only watch people play Dead Space, YouTubers in this case. Why? I guess I just don't have the guts to play it. I'm an over-reactive sort of wimp. I can't play games that are too terrifyingly hardcore. I can easily get shocked near to death if I play them. And because I just wouldn't want to waste my money on expensive games or going through so much trouble to buy them online. So that's why I only watch walkthroughs.

 

I love the series so much that I've been talking about it for a few times in this blog, which shows how important it is to me. I've been spending so much time on it that I got so influenced by everything in it, considering how one thing can affect your thoughts and future intentions. I think about many things that I initially thought that I was incapable to think of, too important things that are featured in the game. Everything about the game is just inspirational and awesome, and it gives me the sense of focusing on what I should do for the better good.

 

I LOVE everything in this game. The settings, the storyline, the enemy concept, the characters; everything is just perfect. I'm SO IN LOVE with Dead Space that nothing can explain how I feel towards it.

 

About Dead Space 3, I have one question though: In the beginning of the game, Tim Caufman and Sam Ackerman (if it's a co-op game) went searching for the Codex as ordered by Dr. Earl Serrano, and they died with Tim being killed by General Mahad who purged the data in the Codex, and if all that happens 200 years before Isaac Clarke was apparently 49 years old during the events in Dead Space 3, so does that mean the Marker infection had occurred for at least two times, one during the search of the Codex by Tim and Sam, and the other one when Isaac was 49? And if that's true, how would you explain the events in the first Dead Space? Does that mean the infection even happened before the USG Ishimura started going into space searching for resources? I don't know, or am I actually missing something in the storyline of Dead Space, and technically Tim and Sam existed way before the invention of USG Ishimura. I'm guessing that the infection has occurred for quite a few times in the universe, as the introduction of Rosetta in Dead Space 3 can already prove that. But then again, are there more than one Codex?

p.s. Some parts in this post that I wrote may not be true though. Still trying to figure out the specific details of the DS plot. My apologies!

Back Again

I'm back! :D And it's time for more blog-writing and stuffs-reviewing here in this blog, which hopefully are becoming more exciting and fun for you readers and for me. I know it's kind of odd to say all these here but, it feels like a new beginning for me in the passion of writing blogs. I want to be able to continue writing, but with new and very different ways. Hopefully it's going to be fun and enjoyable and I hope whoever reads my blog will like them too.

 

Exams are gone, for now. And I got back from my trip overseas a few days ago, and it was GREAT. Probably the best trip I've ever been on to, to a place that I've always wanted to go to and expecting all of those trips to be fun. They were good trips, but this one that I've been on a few days ago is by far the best trip ever. The best trip I've ever been on I must say. I needed one, after all I've gone through in the first half of the year or I might go crazy by now. Just adding in some interesting events into my life to make it less dull, and just waste some money wouldn't hurt, right?

 

A new semester is coming up really soon, and I am here hoping that things will run smoothly for me, and I beg myself for not procrastinating anymore. Time does not wait, and I have only one life, one chance to set things right. Working hard for the best, it's now or never.

 

The photo(s) above are taken by me.