There's a war inside me.

It just so happens that I have been struggling with my inner self, trying to be in control of my own emotions and take responsibility of the outcomes of my doings. Life is never an easy thing that I am confident to handle with, and all the emotions and pain that I have to go through in life is just far too complicated to talk about.

I'm currently trying to change my way of thinking, as everyone has been saying that it is the main factor that makes me frequently trying to distant myself from the crowd, causing me to seek safety and security in somewhere else. I was never the one that people fancies the most; that's probably what not to be pursued upon but, I subconciously seek for people's attention, even though it is obviously an impossible task.

Sometimes, I literally gave up. But the temptation keeps coming back so often and so fast that it's becoming part of my everyday life's routine and I guess it's what that affects my heavy mood swings and the periods of depression that I have to go through everyday.

So I wonder if loving myself can ever be an easy thing to do, because I think I don't love myself enough to stop seeking for people's attention. And being anti-social is just making things worse. I need more time to think than to act.

The photos above are from my own flickr photostream.

I Made a Mistake

One can never take control of other's life, criticise their way of living, and judge them for who they are. No one has the right to do it. We are given a life as an opportunity to prove ourselves that we can do what we want to do. As long as we have the courage and capability of doing these things we dreamed to achieve, and nobody's hurt or forced, then it's okay. It's alright after all. Being brave conquers it all. Being brave makes you stronger.

The problem is whether what we do can affect people's life, influencing the influenced. But bear in mind that each individual was born with a brain to think, and we have been listening to the same advices and scoldings throughout our lives. "Don't do this" "Don't do that", and other orders. All these are important aspects that will shape up our consciences, and that is why everyone has different opinions about whether things are right or wrong.

But then, there's no right or wrong in doing anything. Senses will only come to you when you think what you're doing or what you did is wrong. But before that, no one can ever be right in correcting you. There's nothing wrong with being yourself. Be proud of yourself, that's all I ask. You can be a robber, or a bully, and I feel sorry for you for being called like that. People can call you whatever they like, but does it matter? So what? It may not be true. I'm sorry to say this, but only people that are ugly from the inside do that. They hurt people as a way to make themselves happy, to be proud of themselves.

All these things make me start thinking; why did I care what people think of me in the first place? Because they're not all that good themselves either. But, am I right in concluding it this way?



A View to My Definition of Apocalypse

I'm sure all of you heard that the Mayan's supposedly 'apocalypse' is coming soon on the 21st of December this year. It was rumoured that the Mayans believe that particular day to be the last day the world exists is because it is the last day that appears in their calendar, something like that.

I'm not sure if it's true, and I'm also not sure how do the Mayans picture apocalypse, since they expected or at least, think that 21.12.12 is the day which the world ends. As a matter of fact, people have very different ways and opinions about how the world meets its end. Some think that it has something to do with aliens or cyborgs' invasion into the Earth, or the outbreak of some terrible war. Anonymous once shared her views with me saying that she pictured apocalypse as the day when the whole scene of the day is a long term of dusk, where everything is added and smeared with orange and yellow. And now, it's my turn to share how I always picture an apocalypse will be. It's very similar to the scenes featured in the video below.

The video features very upsetting scenes but those are apparently my view towards apocalypse. Sometimes I even thought that everything that happens in the video will happen to this world, the reality. It's only a matter of time before scenes like these will be featured in real life, and by then I will be watching the live version of these short term destructions of the world; where everybody has no sense of conscience and responsibility, and people will start acting against morality because they are desperate and afraid.