28 November, 2013

It's All Over

This should be in his possession right now, but he didn't have it because of me.
At last, all the torments will be gone forever. The future is vast, but vague. There's so many for me to discover, so many things to understand. Now, I'm just tired.

Do my previous efforts count to secure my destiny, my fate? I won't know, will I.


"... ... you've disappeared, like everything else. But who else can I talk to? ...I'm lost, Alice. When you left -- and he left -- you took everything with you. But the absence of him is everywhere I look. It's like a huge hole has been punched through my chest."
 - Note to Alice Cullen, from Bella Swan, Twilight Saga: New Moon

Yesterday was the last day that he and I shall ever meet in school. From now on, I'll be more alone. I never thought I'll miss school this badly, mainly it's because I'm used to be in the same class with him, and we would talk, laugh and be sad together every day at school. We are not in a boyfriend girlfriend relationship, but we are partners; we are inseparable, at least till the end of our school day at the same school.

I never missed a friend so much in my real life, I did miss a boy friend before but it wasn't as close as this one; those times we weren't even having any sort of physical contact with one another, and I didn't even meet the guy before, except in this virtual world; the Internet, in our avatar forms. But this one, is different. This is real. It is actually happening for real.

I thought of saying that I hope he'll miss me as much as I miss him, and that I mean so much to him, but I didn't want to be too greedy and expectant of him. Alas, I hope he never forgets me, who has/had been a friend of his, with whom he shared a journey with through one of the toughest moments of both of our lives.

May our friendship last forever.

26 November, 2013

Trust No One

We've known each other for 5 or 8 years, yet you still have the tendency of lying to me. Lana was right. We should not trust anyone. And I was wrong to trust you in the first place.

The Opposite Sex || Trust Issues


I just have had a nice conversation with a guy friend of mine a couple of hours ago. What seemed to be a dull and lacklustre discussion turned out to be one of the best and unforgettable interaction with an actual friend in real life; someone that I've known for about a year, but it has been the year that bonded us closer and closer, from practically strangers to real good and sometimes awkward friends.

It has been a long time since I have actually have a long, nice chat with someone casually, or maybe I never talked to anyone like this before but I thought that I did. I thought I was actually getting socialised with people in general, and nothing will make me feel more relieved and happy than to think that I can do the same thing as others did.

Sometimes I think the two of us could share a better friendship, be a better friend for each other if we talked to each other more often, consoled one another, and laughed together whenever the situation is appropriate. I wonder if he thinks about the same thing too. And if he doesn't, it'll then be a dream that is shared with nobody, not even him, but to be kept with myself.

24 November, 2013

Work and Cat

Work for the best, and cats could be my favourite pets.

Now I wish I can sit down in a sunny and dry afternoon, sipping green tea latte or frappuccino from an elegant tea cup while looking out and enjoying the sounds of bird chirping and wind rustling through leaves. After that I could walk towards a little town nearby and do some grocery shopping by myself. I would wear as ladylike as possible, with a simple shirt and skirts while carrying a handbag, and I would be squinting through my lidded eyes because of the blazing sunlight, seeing my mascara-ed lashes.

At home, my cat keeps me company. It greeted me at the front doors, and it would call up to me for a hug. We stayed on my bed during the night, and I would be reading a classical story while brushing my cat's fur. I wouldn't mind being told to adapt to this and make it as a daily life routine, if only life could be this simple and worry-free.

Feel the Anger: Speak for All Eternity

Picture by me; picture that says it all.

03 November, 2013

Every Human has Been Punished for Being a Human

Just another one of my artworks.
I've always wondered why am I living, what's the purpose of having me here on Earth. Sometimes I think that I have been chosen, given a chance to live when there are hundreds or perhaps millions of progeny that my mom would have given birth to, as there are a huge bunch of sperms attempting to fuse with the one and only one ovum. I'm not even sure if that's how it works, does it? Anybody?

Most of us were born with the ability to feel. If we weren't born with feelings, we would do anything we want regardless of the outcomes; how bad it will turn out to become. However, that also means that one that has feelings will be able to feel the pain as in due to having to take in insults, fear, humiliation and other unpleasant feelings.

So, is it still necessary to be able to feel? Is feeling pain a form of sacrifice, in return for the ability to feel? If that's the case why is everybody in this world constantly hurting each other if they know nobody wants to feel the pain? Why wouldn't anyone avoid doing it?

Because everyone thought hurting the others make them better in terms of pride, and everybody practically thinks that doing it will boost their confidence towards themselves, or at least feel a little better about themselves. Who wouldn't want to be on top? Or perhaps, on top of everyone? Humans are selfish in their own ways, but we could have avoided ourselves from being a little too selfish.

In the end, we are all culprits in everything that we have taken part in. We accuse the others for hurting the others, yet we are wrong in accusing, calling names and cursing the supposedly "bad guys" in these situations. Hatred and jealousy cloud our judgement, but people don't seem to realise that.

People that believe in religion, if they happen to be too religious, they would kill anyone that insulted theirs. How is it necessary? Does God even exist? If He does, is it necessary, once again, to seek for His guidance, when you were clearly born with a brain to differentiate between good and evil, and the ability to reason? Why would you rely on God, whose existence cannot be confirmed by the others (as the believers claim that they do feel God's presence), when you can rely on yourself? Why seek for His forgiveness, when you could have easily prevented yourself from committing sins, and even they are unavoidable, why take God for granted, beg for his forgiveness and continue to make the same mistake?

Is being alive and having the chance to do things in it a test, to see if we are to create mistakes that would normally be made by humans? Or is this a form of punishment, as we are prone to get disease and having the tendency to hurt other people? Were we really born to learn to be individualistic (having our own bedroom and at times shut ourselves from everybody cuz we need some space), selfish (even though we are all humans, we were apparently not educated in such a way that we should not only care for our families and lovers but to care for strangers too) and hurt the others?

And we all thought we are walking to the correct path in our lives, but are we?

01 November, 2013

Lose Myself

When my muscles and brain stop me from actually doing it, they still couldn't stop my mind from thinking of ways to get back at her.

I never hate and have grudge against anyone; even the other side of myself is telling me to leave this matter in peace and never come looking for it again. I don't look for trouble for myself because I already have so much to deal with, yet I couldn't prevent the incident from happening and having myself be the one who carries the burden of being accused and criticised really badly. And this is all her fault.

But I guess I will never be someone like her. I don't want to be like her. For being such a religious fanatic herself, she wouldn't control her own temptation of harming the others when it's against people's rights. I always wonder whether she figured it out after all, that she has always caused discomfort and pain. If I didn't tell her the mistakes she has committed all this time, she will never know and will not make any progress in life. But if I were to tell her, she will get mad I think.